CNN NEWS SUMMARY
PELOSI RECANTS !
Mar 06, 2011. Industry representative Arthur Pelosi has recanted his statement concerning cubicle warming. Said Pelosi, "It was a political hoax. I didn't mean to do no harm." Pelosi is referring to his comments to CNN concerning office heaters. "When workers turn up the thermo, we all suffer. But that was no reason to criticize the war in Iraq. I am sorry." Charges are pending.
GLOBAL WARMING !
Mar 05, 2011. Representatives of a consortium recently speculated that the Earth may have warmed and then cooled at various times in its history. This startling revelation is expected to impact cubicle workers in numerous indefinable ways. The Cubicle Workers Union has issued a statement of support, and is expected to implement emergency procedures as soon as they become known.
MILLIONS DIE !
Jan 09, 2011. Authorities have estimated that millions have died. Although no accurate records exist to provide a precise count, experts conclude that the number could easily top one billion within the next fifty years.
"If you thought Katrina was bad, get ready for a shock," said British Ministry of Records First Secretary Sir Geoffrey Rumpsworth. "Our computer models are based on substantial input. Well over a billion humans will have died by mid-century. This is worse than global warming."
Security forces have been placed on high alert, and some civil rights may be suspended.
MOBILE CUBICLE MAKES DEBUT
Nov 23, 2010. When Jon Myers arrived at work, he couldn't find his cubicle.
"It used to be in the middle of the office area," says Myers. "Then I remembered parking it closer to the water cooler." Myers laughs at his own forgetfulness, and simply heads for the cooler. Sure enough, the lost cubicle is right where he left it. He takes a seat, powers up, and soon disappears around a corner.
Myers is one of the lucky few to be equipped with a mobile cubicle. Office managers have long complained that too much time is wasted while cubicle workers walk back and forth between workspaces. The solution: bring the workspace along.
"I'm telling you," says Meadville, Pa. Assistant Office Manager Radcliff Potter, "once all our workers have mobile cubes, productivity will go through the roof. Imagine all the time we'll save without unnecessary walking around."
The cubicles, affectionately called MoCubes, are the brainchild of John C. Lyons, who was tragically killed in a recent cubicle fire. According to published specifications, the MoCubes can attain speeds of up to twelve miles per hour, although the hyper-drive equipped executive model is said to be much faster.
CUBICLE WORKERS STRANDED
SEP 07, 2010. Nine State Workers were stranded for three days when their cubicles were inadvertently sealed off by maintenance workers. The maintenance staff was supposed to simply add a new cubicle to the existing forty cubicles already in place at the Pennsylvania Higher Education Department, but things somehow went terribly wrong.
"It was bizarre," said State Worker Ezekial Purdoff. "I tried to leave, but all the cubicle exits were blocked. I felt like a rat in a maze."
The work was done on a Friday afternoon, so most workers had left before the incident occurred. The nine remaining staffers were left to wander aimlessly from cube to cube, and had it not been for a bottle of Mountain Dew and a single can of Spam, the nine may have perished.
"It leaves a funny taste in your mouth," said Purdoff of the Spam-Dew combo. "But it also gives you a bit of a buzz."
When other workers arrived Monday morning they quickly freed the trapped employees. According to State officials the victims will not receive overtime pay, which must be approved in advance.
CUBICLE NAPPING
INCREASES PRODUCTIVITY
AUG 25, 2010. A study commissioned by the Presidential Council on Corporate Performance has revealed that cubicle napping increases work product when measured as an overall percentage of employee effort.
In a double-blind case study involving over three hundred cubicle workers the Council also found that larger, more remote cubicles provide better results.
"It's all about REM," said study director Ron Greenwood. "The deeper the sleep, the more refreshed the worker."
Greenwood also said that eating habits play a role.
"Give a worker good food and a place where they feel relaxed enough to sleep, and you'll have a happy worker. Happy workers work harder."
Further research is under way.
XBOX 360 BEST IN CUBE
Nov 30, 2007. The XBOX 360 was unanimously selected by the Cubicle News Network as the best cubicle-shaped game system released in 2005.
"You have to stack several units together to form a basic cubicle shape," explained contest chairman Agmar Fitzimmons-Dunder. "But we saw this as an advantage, a real example of thinking inside the box."
Critics contend that the award should have gone to competitor YBox 360, or even ZBox 360 because both units more closely approximate the shape of a cubicle.
"No way," argues XBox 360 fan Clive Gentry, of Spokane. "The XBox 360 is a rockin', quasi-cube-shaped game system."
This attitude is typical of most XBox 360 fans, and vindicates this year's choice by CNN, according to CNN.
YBox 360 is expected to appeal.
